Sean asked me some questions. I answered them. Please excuse my stereotyping at whatnot. I'm offensive:
1. Explain how a date with Big Bird would go and how you'd get him into bed with you after.
This one's easy because I've fantasized about it for some time. Big Bird is pretty much the wisest smooth talker you can imagine. He's got style, charisma, and (I heard from a friend) he's got a pretty big... bird. So when he'd ask me out I'd wet my pants with excitement and say, "of course, handsome." So me and the Bird would likely hit up a vegan place for lunch because I am vegetarian and he's a damn bird so he dunn eat no animal shit. After browsing a menu made of recycled paper and no animal byproducts for the most delicious thing we can find made of organic avocados grown by local farmers (... in Canada...?) we place our orders and make subtle sexual gestures while we wait:
He kept doing this one (but it looked more awkward with his wings 'n all).
I told him I didn't understand and he said he'd show me later... NOW I know.
So who is anxious to hear the rest about how our lovely avocado vegan dinner of innuendo-ous delight could happen? No one?! Yeah, fuck, I didn't think so. You're thinking did this chick [hypothetically, since this is a scenario and not real life] fuck Big Bird? The answer is yes. Yes I would. Would it be awesome? No, not really, I would realize he had feathered dick but I'd sleep with him anyway because I'm mega lonely. Yes. Very very lonely. Also, we'd have sex in the clouds because he can fly. Groovy.
2. What would you do if you saw one of your relatives stealing from a store, and then later found out it was gay porn?
I'd be like "yo relative, let us watch this film together, after we go back to the store and rightfully pay for what's ours." Then we'd proceed to watch it. Being a heterosexual, if it was 2 chicks I'd be bored because it's 2 chicks. And if it was 2 dudes I'd be bored because they're feminine anyway (and a little jealous I'm not in on the action). So I'd probably just go and play Tetris while my family member gayly and horny-ly enjoys their selection. Yeah. Sounds accurate.
3. Scenario: Your morning class just ended and you have 2 hours to kill so you go for a walk, you hit the pipe and sit by a tree. You pass out. When you wake up a 70-year-old woman wearing a g-string is rubbing her ass crack on your nose. What do you do!?
I show that granny the last good time she'll ever experience; after that I will murder her for getting in my personal space without permission. I smoke her up on my pipe (kush; only the best for Wrinkles Von Megaflap) and put her ugly-ass, naked, wrinkly body in a wagon and pull her around campus. I tell her to pretend she's Santa Claus and I give her candy canes to throw out. People think her long grey tits are Santa's beard for a bit... and when they realize they're her boobs, they're all the merrier! Little children run from their overpriced crack den apartments and stroke her saying "Santa, Santa, your beard is so lovely!" And while granny is in her most euphoric state, surrounded by the youth she so gruesomely lacks, I take off her Santa hat and say "it's time to go, Saggy Mcgoo," just to watch her hopes and dreams die. Happiness = dead. I will not let her corrupt my ghetto youth with her skanky granny ways! Oh no, it's MY job to destroy these children... bitch. So we go back to the tree... I crack a PBR, shove a bunch of T3s in there, take a few myself, and put on a strobe light (because there is an outlet attached to the tree...? Oh, never mind, it's battery powered). Madam Sagsalot drinks the beer (and says "this is good shit"), trips balls for a bit, and then dies of an overdose. Awesome. I take her body and throw it off a bridge onto the DVP and slow down traffic even more. I return to my apartment, put on a g-string and go to class. No one seems to notice I'm sitting there pant less. Sesh + Santa + Murder + Public nudity = Best. Day. Ever.
4. Explain a day in the life of Camille, if you were a one legged, blind, lesbian.
Good morning! My alarm goes off and one legged, blind, lesbian Camille must get ready for work. Being the independent lesbian that I am (Side note: I just made a typo and wrote "man" instead of "am"... wonderful!) I do not live with anyone to help me get ready. I hobble out of bed and over to my closet. I trip over my dog (not a seeing eye dog) and I fall into it and bruise my forehead. I stagger to get up, but once I gain leverage I'm fine; my singular leg is mega muscular as you can imagine. Yeah, I work out. Ladies, call me. Anywho, I use my spidey senses to fasten on my peg leg. I could afford a more classy looking prosthetic, but I prefer the mangy pirate look (not that I've ever been able to visualize a pirate because y'know I'm fucking blind...) After I've attached my splintery stick, I rub my hands across the fabrics in the closet to decide what to wear. My mum came by last week and organized them by colour: from left to right it's the ROYGBIV sequence followed by pink, black, white, and grey. I didn't realize until after she'd already left that I have no idea what the fuck those look like. So I choose a shirt from the "pink" section and pants from the "orange" section and get dressed. I must also add that I purchase my clothes for texture; if I like the way they feel then they're fashionable to me because I CAN'T SEE THE DAMN THINGS. I think 50% of my closet is fur items, some leather, a couple things with fancy pockets or holes, shirts with spikes and jagged collars, and my favourite item: my suede tassel-y jacket (see picture)!
I got Sean to take a picture and post this. It feels so lovely to the touch.
Once I'm dressed, it's time for me to go to work. I work at a construction site because it was easier to get a job there than to learn braille and go to university. I have the best job in the world. Basically, for 8 hours a day, I go to a designated construction site which I am chaperoned to via dump truck and I direct traffic. Since I can't read the "slow/stop" signs, I wear a shirt which "slow" is printed on the front, and "stop" is printed on the back. Then I stick my peg leg into the ground and rotate my body according to what I am told over the walkie-talkie. I AM ALL POWERFUL!
On my lunch break I eat tacos.
When my shift is over, I return home and watch Seinfeld on described video. Later I make a phone call to a lesbian hotline. The conversation will go like this (as it always does):
Me: Hey sexy how you doin'?
Random slut: I want you baby. What are you wearing?
Me: ... I don't know.
Random slut: *hangs up*
Then I cry myself to sleep while masturbating with my peg leg.
5. 2012 hits, and most of your friends and family are dead. You get to bring 5 things with you and 3 people to help you survive. What and who would you pick?
I honestly can't think of anything clever and logical. If most of my friends and family were dead, I don't think I'd want to survive anyway and I'd wander in front of the nearest falling meteor or whatever the fuck is supposed to happen. But, if you're forcing me at gunpoint to pick these 8 things and survive or you'll shoot me (...) then I suppose I'd find the 5 most crucial items required to build a time machine and bring those (I will use Google to help me choose). As far as the 3 people: The first would be someone who knows how to assemble and operate a time machine, the second would be a multilingual telepath, and the third would be Angus MacGyver... all of whom I will get in contact with over Kijiji prior to the catastrophe (seeing as somehow the end of the world has a precise date [*confused face*]; I know exactly when I need these folks). Then once we have our time machine and whatnot, we'd just have fun frolicking through different eras and living my dreams: play with dinosaurs, sleep with Elvis, go shopping and then bring the clothes back to the present to show the other survivors how vintage-ly savvy I am, sleep with James Dean, interrogate Hitler, sleep with young Johnny Depp, ride in a Model T, sleep with young John A. MacDonald (don't ask), go to a System of a Down concert, sleep with the entire band (just to say I did), buy Vanilla Coke, sleep with Jesus (I have a thing for beards)... y'know. The good stuff.
Been there, done that.
Your most unapologetic sex machine,
Xesetarip
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