12.25.2010

Buy Your Wife A.S.D. For Christmas

BUY YOUR WIFE THE PERFECT

DIAMOND RING/CELL PHONE/TURKEY/TOOTHBRUSH/CAMERA/WINTER COAT/TATTOO/SHOES/TRIP TO HAWAII/LINGERE/SNUGGIE/NEW CAR/GIFT CARD/PEPTO BISMOL/COCA COLA/GAME SYSTEM/COFFEE/DVD/PORNO/MALE PROSTITUTE/DILDO/SOMETHINGSHECANGETOFFTOOBECAUSEYOU'REIMPOTENT/ARSENIC

…. AND GET LAID THIS CHRISTMAS!


I've been having thoughts churning in my head all week about what I was going to write about. Each day that got closer to Christmas made me more and more miserable and I had this plan to blog about how much I hate it and how its negatives outweigh the positives.


I just think Christmas is pointless for a non-religious person, isn’t it? It's all about impressing folks; whether it be with your decorations, your food, the gifts you got, the gifts you're giving, how you dress, the cleanliness of your house, and every pointless Christmas thing I see in every fucking store I go into and every fucking TV channel I turn on. It’s solely commercial, and to be honest, I can buy shit any day I want. I can buy shit for my family any day I want. I can be courteous to people, I can decorate, I can make a motherfucking gingerbread house any day I want!!! But of course I don’t. If there’s one thing I do well it’s giving blow jays hypocrisy. I go into debt on Christmas to “show my family I appreciate them” and buy them gifts. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. I don’t like Christmas. I have no reason to celebrate Christmas. But because everyone does, I do.


There is sosososo much more in my head about the brutality of the season, but unlike a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on your door, I’d rather not ruin your [Christmas] dinner by preaching my beliefs. I also think it would take far too long to write.


Today, after speaking with a friend about Christmas I became less “Grinch-y” as you cute holiday people like to call it. I was like, “yo, self, today wasn’t that bad (compared to your week of battling evil consumers, traffic, ads, terrible music and anticipation of awkward family time [which, as always, lived up to my expectations]).”


THESE ARE GOOD THINGS:

My mum made me homemade tofurkey, which was amazingly awesome.

My dogs were really cool (though they usually are).

There was lots of cheesecake.

Wine too.

My sister liked her 7-inch penis candle (who wouldn’t!?)

I got some sweet gifts.

No one was a dick in drive thru last night, which I thought was impossible.

Fireplaces.

Everyone was all *I’m gonna smile at you, stranger. Today, and today only.*

Christmas lights are trippy in general.

I got cards from friends and such.


Of course I must reiterate that there are more negative things than good things about Christmas. I think next year I’m going to be logical and not……………… wasteful? Whatever. Christmas, you and I are done professionally. I don’t think I’m going to participate (if I can weasel my way out of it). I’ll be like my gramma and volunteer at a soup kitchen for people who really need stuff. I don’t need presents. I buy my own throughout the year because I am a spoiled brat, and I save paper by not wrapping them.


Christmas is the new Valentine’s Day for a non-religious person. Or maybe it always has been and I’m just realizing it now. But unlike Valentine’s Day, there is no sexy man whispering in my ear while we drink wine in my room. Well… I guess Jesus, now that I think about it… But fo realz y’all know dat dunn happen wit me.


Anywho, I’m becoming the Jehovah’s Witness I told you I wasn’t going to be (I guess proving my statement about hypocrisy). I have a new bong to christen (OH such appropriate wording!) so, I’m going to do that.


I work bright ‘n early, and if I see anyone’s face in McD’s I’m going to deliberately screw up your order! It won’t be Christmas anymore so I don’t have to be nice to you.


LOVE YOUR HOE HOE HOE

Xesetarip


Ps. I’m kidding about the McD’s thing. I don’t want to get fired or nothin’. I need to make up for all this bloody spending I’ve been doing, fuck.


Pps. Yes I am this cynical about everything. Call me Buzz Killington.

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