3.27.2011

The Time We Went Back In Time (Part 2)


If you missed it, click here for part one! If you didn't miss it, enjoy part 2:

When the twins came into consciousness, they were able to see where the strange hippies were holding them captive. When they opened their eyes they saw they were in an office that had framed photos of what appeared to be oversized iPhones all over the wall.

Xesetarip looked over at Izanrelur: "Hey! Bro!... where are we?!" But he appeared to be sleeping so she looked around the room to see if there was anything she could use to get him to wake up. On the wall there was a shelf with what seemed to be iPods all over it as well as very primitive iPhone. Xes began to hobble over towards it, but she noticed she was tied to a chair with her hands behind her back making any movement a rather tough task. She hobbled over and finally she reached it. She used her chin to hit the shelf and knocked one of the iPods off. It fell and shattered over her brother’s head. Startled he screamed and fell over in his chair. He was gasping for breath because the shock almost caused him to have a stroke; he regained consciousness and began to feel the pain of shattered-iPod-to-the-head.

We hired a better artist to sketch this time.

"Fuck! where the FUCK are we! FUCKK! my shoulder fucking hurts! What the fuck is going on, "He looked around "when the fuck did we get back to the future!?" Just as he finished his little tantrum, the door opened and a silhouette of a man in a suit filled the doorway.

"Haw haw haw" said the man in the door. He said it quite articulately too... like just the way it's written. The twins could tell immediately this was a peculiar fellow. "You, sonny, on the guhround thereuh. You are ah poooouuusssy!" Suddenly a small leprechaun with orange feet and a crooked smile and outrageously unbearable odour started dancing. He had backwards knees. "What a funny thing to observe" Xes said to her brother who had finally stopped crying.

Whipping (no, not wiping, actually whipping) his tears away, he managed to get up off the ground. He grunted to try to hide the sobbing that he was previously doing. Dazed and confused still and thinking he was still on drugs, he started laughing at the leprechaun. "What the fuck is going on?" He kept giggling. It went on for like 5 minutes until he snapped out of it:"Heeeeey how'd we get back here?! Where's the machine!?" he yelled at the man standing in the doorway. The man strolled in kind of like this and answered, "I'um verrreh sorreh too telluh you thatuh I have no Ideauh what you'reeh talkingge about." As he got closer it became obvious to Izan that he was dressed up in 1960's gear. "We're still here!...wait...iPhones?....what the fuck?!" .

“I hate to sound like a broad, but um… what?” Xes asked her brother in a ridiculously Barbie doll tone that would agitate even Paris Hilton.

Xesetarip if she were a Barbie doll?

“Be quiet and play with the leprechaun. Now, mister funnyaccentman, what year is it?”
The man in the suit replied, “it isuh 1969. And pleasuh, call me Kristopher Clarence Ignatius Douglass.”
“Is that your name!?” Izan asked.
“No,” the man claiming to be Kristopher Clarence Ignatius Douglass replied with a smirk on his face parallel to our favourite meme:
"Problem?"

"Then what is your name!?" Izan asked him while still laying on the ground.
"Oh you will find out in time. Now you should get some rest we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow". The man exited the room and the tiny leprechaun followed.
"Oh man what do we do now!?" Xes whimpered in the corner.
"Hey man, we'll get to the bottom of this, but I think he's right we should rest.." Izan tried to comfort her..."At least one thing turned out better than expected, the little imp thing undid my handcuffs!"

“Yeah he undid mine too. What a nice little lad.” Izan got up and sat beside his sister. They sat in silence for a moment, mostly from total shock, and then Xes picked up the oversized mysterious piece of technology. “So, this is 1969, and yet they have these hefty iPhones. Maybe I’ll use it to call home ahahah—“
“Haw haw haw, youh can try but youh will failuh” said the man who randomly appeared out of nowhere whose name is not Kristopher Clarence Ignatius Douglass.
“Yeah you fuck, your mom was like nine years old, our present doesn’t exist yet!” Izan smart-ass-ly noted.
“Haw haw haw but reallyuh, that is not a phoneuh!”
“Well then, what on earth is it!?” Xes asked in a voice that sounded like a dirty dubstep drop.
“I don’t uhnderstand that.”
“Sorry, my sister was speaking our native language. She said ‘what be dat ting?’” Izan assisted.
“Welluh, this here is Microsoft’s newest inventionuh. They have cuhreated a line of tablet computers designeduh, developeduh and marketeduh by Microsoft puhrimarily as a platformuh for audio-visual media incuhluding books, periodicals, moviesuh, music, gamesuh, and web content.”

Izan stood up all flustered and said, "ok, shut up, this is like an iPhone, I know what it sorta does. The strange thing is you mentioned Microsoft?" He looked at Xes in a way that said we all know iPhones ain’t from Microsoft!
"Now seeuh here, I don'tuh need your sasseh remarksuh"
Xes slowly walked over to the shelf and picked up one of the devices. After playing around with it for a while she just exploded angrily, "What is going on here?!
Who the hell would want a stupid piece of technology like that!!? No phone?! Are you kidding?" She got all up in The Funnyaccentman's face.
"Oh, calm downuh you slutuh!" He smacked her in the face and left the room locking the door behind him. Izan checked on his sister but she was clearly out cold. He decided to fiddle around with the oversized, phone-less iPhone.

This mysterious device seemed more intriguing to Izan than it did to his sister. "Hey mister, I --" he began, but he looked around forgetting that the man had, yet again, eerily vanished. "What the fuck is up with this place?" He asked himself, "Microsoft of '69 has some creepy fellows. That leprechaun, MAN! And monsieur not revealing his name. And how we went from being with hippies to some swanky teach- heavy office..." He trailed off in a rambling self-narration that would make him look insane if anyone were in there. "Seeing as no one is in here," Izan said as he looked around, "I think I'll take one of these doohickeys with me in the time machine back to 2010! I will be the only one with one muah hahaha-"
"Bro, are you talking to yourself again!?" Xes asked through tired speech (she sleep-talks) from the ground.

He laughed and continued to dig deeper into the device but the battery started to die, so he looked around for a charge of some sort. Evidently, there was nowhere to charge it, so he turned it off and sat down in the corner. That's when he saw what looked like a way out.

There was a half damaged vent near the top corner of the room. He grabbed a chair and stood on it to see if he could get it off. The noise awoke Xes and she came over to see what was going on. "Yo what are you doing up there?" she asked but he didn't reply because he was so lost in his train of thought about getting out. "Hey!" she yelled and tugged on his space suit. He thought she was the funny man and let out a girly squeal then fell off the chair (for the second time today).
In his defensive Kung Fu pose he yelled, "Back off queer man!...oh uuuh...you're awake." He clutched his heart, thinking he had coronary thrombosis or something. After he caught his breath he explained to his sister that they may have a way out of their prison. “It’s just a matter of if we can fit!” he said as he hopped up on his chair and continued trying to get the vent off.

After half an hour and some dramatic montage music sung by Xes, the vent finally came off. "Finally! The vent came off!"
"Yeah, I got skillz… but now there is bad news. I don't think it can fit us both. We're too heavy together" he explained to her. "Get everything you can together and I'll lift you up and you go. Don't worry about me I'll be fine, just try to find some sort of help."
"I can't man, I wont be able to do it myself." Xes said nervously, "It's just too much man; I'm too scared"
"You can! Don't worry. There is a window here in the back of our room, that maybe our arms could fit through, see it? Maybe if you can get outside through the vent we can meet up at the window and conduct another plan for getting me out. Go now, before someone comes back!" Izan put his hands out and boosted Xes up to the vent. He put the vent cover back on, slipped the mysterious techno device into his spacepack, and waited.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Love,
Izanrelur and Xesetarip
xxx


3.13.2011

The Time We Went Back In Time (Part 1)

This is a document written by biographer Norman L. Hollandaise of Izanrelur and Xesetarip’s first time travel expedition. It was composed in late April 2010 after an extensive interview with the twins. There is footage of these events yet to be released. The twins departed on February 3rd 2010.


... the time was, in fact, August 15, 1969 in Bethel New York. The twins had just arrived from the present via their trusty time machine built by the masterful Izanrelur. Little did the people at Woodstock know, A BATTLE OF EPIC AWESOMENESS was about to ensue. They were dawned in their spectacular gear: Izan in a very crisp, stylish Astronaut Suit and Xes in her shiny, extraordinary suit of armour (by Armani).

To prepare themselves for the festival, the twins took a couple hits of acid (if you know them you'll know it is their drug of choice next to meth). Xes reminded her brother of the time when he took acid which resulted in the loss of his iPod to the garbage man. "Oh yeah" he responded. "Oh well", and he took one extra tab for the road.

Once they got up to the gate of the festival they realized they were a tad late, and it was already packed with stanky ass awesome hippies. They quickly made friends with a woman name Moonfrugal and hopped up top of the crowd with a surf board and literally surfed their way to the center of the group.


"Okay, seeing as no one can hear me with this suit of Armani armour on, can you please address the crowd as to our intentions?" Xesetarip asked her brother.
"Sorry I didn't hear you behind that suit of Armani armour. You should have dressed a little more practically for this event you knob," he replied.

"You're wearing a space suit you piece of shit!" They were only at Woodstock for an hour and they were already fighting.

They decided to chill for a bit and jam to music. After about 40 minutes of vibing out to Sweetwater, Izan asked his sister "Yo, this was such a good idea to come here man! I really wanna grab a hold of one of these dragons and go for a ride, but they're to damn fast br-"
Xes interrupted him screaming, "THIS ISN'T WHY WE ARE HERE MAN!" Izan couldn’t hear her and began to caress the tats of a woman dressed in nothing but a skirt made of daisies. His attention span is often very limited.
"Why didn't I bring a fucking change of clothes!?" thought Xesetarip, "what is the point of wearing this suit of armour if NO ONE CAN HEAR ME!" She scoped out the crowd and came to an epiphany. After seeing the nudity around her, she realized she had no other option than to remove her suit and join them.

It is notable that she is a very logical thinker while under the influence of acid. It is also notable that she is usually naked anyway so it really wasn't that big of an epiphany.

Three hours later, siblings were inevitably split up. The entirety of events during this time were a blur of drugs, sex and music. Izan had found a nice sexy hippy and was surrounded by followers while he told them about his encounters in space with aliens and how he saved the planet from destruction. The music was dying down and one of the crazy Hindu Indians came out to speak to the crowd. Meanwhile Xesetarip was running around naked with a crowd of crazy hippies, yelling and dancing and tipping over porta potties.





Click the pic for big bad saucy sexy good grand qualiteh.



With her face covered in mud she said, "WHERE IS MY BROTHER HOLY SHIT!" and using her Woman Power she demanded him away form his orgy and onto the stage. "Tell them why we're here, brother!" she commanded.
"Jesus H, put some fucking clothes on, slut!" As he stumbled around on stage, trying to get his balance, he took off his helmet and puked all over the drum kit. "Ahh, that feels better." He walked over to his sister, covering his eyes out of disgust of her lack of clothed-ness. "Have you no dignity?!, you're scaring everyone here with your nudity! Put some--"
Xesetarip rudely interrupted her brother. "FORGET ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW! WHY ARE WE HERE!"

A well endowed African American man pat Xesetarip on the shoulder and handed her a blanket, "please, for the sake of us all, cover yourself." Hesitantly she wrapped the blanket around her so her brother could uncover his eyes and keep the rest of his lunch down. "FRIENDS OF WOODSTOCK! My brother Izanrelur and I are here because.....(a lengthy pause, then she whispered to Izan)... bro, I forget why we're here. I know we wore battle suits for a reason..."

Izanrelur looked at Xesetarip puzzled. He leaned in and whispered, "Fuck, I forgot too. GOD DAMN IT!" He went back to the crowd and assured them that they were experiencing a tiny little technical difficulty and it would be fixed in a couple minutes. But hippies don’t like delays you see; the crazed treehuggers/potheads began to riot!
"WE WONT WAIT FOR ANYONE!!!!!" they chanted as they destroyed the place!

"RUNNNN BROTHER!" screamed a now naked Xesetarip (the blanket was thrown on a group of rabid hippies).


Izan grabbed the mic and climbed up one of the pillars of the stage! "CALM DOWN, CALM THE FUCK DOWN EVERYONE!'

Xesetarip climbed up after him, "GET THEM TO STOP, I'M SCARED!!!!" she whimpered.

"Shut the fuck up, I know what I'm doing," he responded back (in a more aggressive tone, if you couldn't guess). "ALRIGHT YOU WANNA KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE?!" The crowd cheered! "The real reason is--" the mic then dropped to the ground... and so did Izanruler, shortly followed by his sister. Someone had thrown a rock knocking both twins unconscious! A couple of [oddly well-dressed] hippies captured both Izan and Xes and took them away to a mysterious place.


TO BE CONTINUED...

3.06.2011

Going Upstairs

We have the dumbest conversations. Example:

"Don't you hate when you go upstairs to get something and then you get distracted and you forget to get it?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you do get it but what you were going to get was your homework so then you're stuck doing homework?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you do get it but its like 3 in the morning and you're naked and your parents come out of the bathroom and catch you?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you realize the floor is melting because you took too much acid?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you get raped by Pedobear?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you realize you have no stairs because you live in a bungalo?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you realize you were already upstairs and now you're downstairs?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and your boyfriend tells you to make him a sandwich but you don't know how?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you realize that you're in a stair climbing marathon in the CN Tower?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something but then uncle Vernon says, 'no Harry, get back under the stairs.'?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something but you can't cause your stairs are like an MC Esher painting?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something but at the top of the stairs there is a rabid dog and you try to go back down the stairs to run away but Patrick Bateman is at the bottom naked with a chain saw and you're paralysed because even though that is a super sexy image, you're going to have to accept your fate and die?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and then you realized you could've just used an elevator?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and you see your two male dogs having sex?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and you see your two male dogs having sex with your dad?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and you just miss the burglar leaving with your TV and other miscellaneous valuables (he has big hands, he can carry a lot)?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to see what time it is and the clocks are melting?

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and you see a letter from your parents saying they abandoned you? No, you don't hate that... PAAAAAARTAY"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs to get something and you finally get it and come back downstairs only to realize you never left in the first place and you're just day dreaming?"

"Don't you hate it when you go upstairs hoping that there will be someone at the door but there isn't and you just sigh? FOREVER ALONE"


Midterms make writing tough. Drugs demotivate. Other adventures in the process.
-Xesetarip and Izanrelur