Buy Your Wife A.S.D. For Christmas

BUY YOUR WIFE THE PERFECT

DIAMOND RING/CELL PHONE/TURKEY/TOOTHBRUSH/CAMERA/WINTER COAT/TATTOO/SHOES/TRIP TO HAWAII/LINGERE/SNUGGIE/NEW CAR/GIFT CARD/PEPTO BISMOL/COCA COLA/GAME SYSTEM/COFFEE/DVD/PORNO/MALE PROSTITUTE/DILDO/SOMETHINGSHECANGETOFFTOOBECAUSEYOU'REIMPOTENT/ARSENIC

…. AND GET LAID THIS CHRISTMAS!

I've been having thoughts churning in my head all week about what I was going to write about. Each day that got closer to Christmas made me more and more miserable and I had this plan to blog about how much I hate it and how its negatives outweigh the positives.

I just think Christmas is pointless for a non-religious person, isn’t it? It's all about impressing folks; whether it be with your decorations, your food, the gifts you got, the gifts you're giving, how you dress, the cleanliness of your house, and every pointless Christmas thing I see in every fucking store I go into and every fucking TV channel I turn on. It’s solely commercial, and to be honest, I can buy shit any day I want. I can buy shit for my family any day I want. I can be courteous to people, I can decorate, I can make a motherfucking gingerbread house any day I want!!! But of course I don’t. If there’s one thing I do well it’s giving blow jays hypocrisy. I go into debt on Christmas to “show my family I appreciate them” and buy them gifts. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. I don’t like Christmas. I have no reason to celebrate Christmas. But because everyone does, I do.

There is sosososo much more in my head about the brutality of the season, but unlike a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on your door, I’d rather not ruin your [Christmas] dinner by preaching my beliefs. I also think it would take far too long to write.

Today, after speaking with a friend about Christmas I became less “Grinch-y” as you cute holiday people like to call it. I was like, “yo, self, today wasn’t that bad (compared to your week of battling evil consumers, traffic, ads, terrible music and anticipation of awkward family time [which, as always, lived up to my expectations]).”

THESE ARE GOOD THINGS:

My mum made me homemade tofurkey, which was amazingly awesome.

My dogs were really cool (though they usually are).

There was lots of cheesecake.

Wine too.

My sister liked her 7-inch penis candle (who wouldn’t!?)

I got some sweet gifts.

No one was a dick in drive thru last night, which I thought was impossible.

Fireplaces.

Everyone was all *I’m gonna smile at you, stranger. Today, and today only.*

Christmas lights are trippy in general.

I got cards from friends and such.

Of course I must reiterate that there are more negative things than good things about Christmas. I think next year I’m going to be logical and not……………… wasteful? Whatever. Christmas, you and I are done professionally. I don’t think I’m going to participate (if I can weasel my way out of it). I’ll be like my gramma and volunteer at a soup kitchen for people who really need stuff. I don’t need presents. I buy my own throughout the year because I am a spoiled brat, and I save paper by not wrapping them.

Christmas is the new Valentine’s Day for a non-religious person. Or maybe it always has been and I’m just realizing it now. But unlike Valentine’s Day, there is no sexy man whispering in my ear while we drink wine in my room. Well… I guess Jesus, now that I think about it… But fo realz y’all know dat dunn happen wit me.

Anywho, I’m becoming the Jehovah’s Witness I told you I wasn’t going to be (I guess proving my statement about hypocrisy). I have a new bong to christen (OH such appropriate wording!) so, I’m going to do that.

I work bright ‘n early, and if I see anyone’s face in McD’s I’m going to deliberately screw up your order! It won’t be Christmas anymore so I don’t have to be nice to you.

LOVE YOUR HOE HOE HOE

Xesetarip

Ps. I’m kidding about the McD’s thing. I don’t want to get fired or nothin’. I need to make up for all this bloody spending I’ve been doing, fuck.

Pps. Yes I am this cynical about everything. Call me Buzz Killington.

Vivo

So recently Camille showed me a website she found, stumbling maybe, I'm not too sure, anyways the site was sorta like FML(Fuck My Life) or MLIA(My Life Is Awesome). Where users will post little updates about things going on in their lives. Though a little different from those sites, but still very similar, this was called MMT(Makes Me Think). The whole site is based around updates that are very meaningful and just generally makes you think. For example; (I'll have you all know that it has taken me 30 minutes or so to pick through about 20 or so posts trying to find the best one just because they are all amazing.)

"Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face. MMT"

&

"Today, I returned home after being stationed in Iraq for 9 months. While I was still in uniform, I went into an ice cream shop near the airport to get a milkshake. The girl behind the counter handed me my shake and said, “It’s on me.” “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that,” I said. “Neither did you,” she replied. MMT"






I've been reading this non stop and it's actually really making me think. Like generally I dislike change very much, I don't truly feel happy, I'm terrified of death and just kinda live life always waiting for something, always looking forward to something and never focusing on whats going on right now. Life passes you by like a blur and years down the road you'll look back and realize how much you missed you. However, after reading this I feel it has actually generally changed they way I look at life.

Over the summer, after 4 years of dating this girl, we broke up. Now this killed me, and has been still affecting me till today. But after reading that site, I have come to accept almost appreciate it. I hate change, but with out change I wouldn't be where I am right now, and for the first time in months I believe that I can truly say that I'm happy. I don't regret anything, I wouldn't change anything.

I know you probably have all heard this before but you should all take a minute and tell your friends and family how much they mean to you because you never know what could happen. Life your life to the fullest and if you're unhappy, change something, because it's your life, why should you waste it feeling depressed. Follow your dreams and do what you want, don't let anyone tell you you can't do something, just use that to motivate yourself more. Embrace all your regrets and mistakes and turn them into positive life experiences. They will be the things that shape and mold you into the person you become.


























Here is a song that has helped me finally see all of this:

The Surface - Rosesdead

The sky is clear. The light will shine. The sea is calm. All doubt is lost. All eyes are open. The peace is near.
Words can't describe, what life was like. I was underneath the wake. Those darkened days, I'll leave behind. It was more than I could take. And yet, if it could happen all again, I wouldn't want it any other way.
If I could do it all again, I wouldn't change, a single thing. This is the start of something. This is the start of something new I've never felt like this before. I never thought I would see this soar. Make this fight, worth your time.
Make sure you don't regret a thing. Don't regret a thing. Now that I'm looking down, this is the way it was meant to be

(As I stand here, I realize. In order to grow from what once was, all of this needed to happen. Now I'm finally where I need to be.)

Make mistakes. Make your dreams. Live your life. Make mistakes. Live your dreams. Make this real.

Let light rain down on me.

These words may never describe, exactly what I felt inside. But I know how hard I tried and that I'll learn to make the most of this life.


Anyways, I hope you took something away from reading this, and it doesn't just turn into an empty thought in the back of your mind. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I'll try to post as much as possible during the break...I can see that Camille hasn't been :P. Merry Christmas everyone and have a Happy New Year

<3izanrelur>

M322Y ><-M45

So me and Xesetarip are done school for the ><-M45 Holidays. You're all probably wondering if we celebrate ><-M45 and we do. We were raised by humans and have had it in our lives since we were small. Though that doesn't mean we don't celebrate out Planetary Holiday. See the difference from our species to yours is that we don't have war, or different religious or racism, every one on our planet celebrated the same holidays, there were no wars between one another, we respected everyone no matter how different they looked and we didn't have religion , it was more of a prophecy and everyone looked up to it.

Our 'Christmas' type holiday which was called (note this is a rough translation) Nep`Xiu. It was to celebrate the 4 Qi`san' Xiu. (Translate to Ruler or King) of each quadrant of the planet. North-east, South-east ect. Nep'Xiu wasn't flash or as beautiful as Christmas here was. We didn't Christmas lights or trees, but the whole population from each quadrant would meet in the middle of the planet, miles upon miles of open area to have a huge festival. There would be music, fire, dancing, and everyone would exchange gifts, but how it would work out would be you give your gift to a stranger, someone you didn't know. This was known as Lebnx'gpu (Which is roughly 'give to one another'). However, I was not alive when our planet was around and have only learned through generations of reproductions of books and what not, so things could have been altered. In the end though I wish everyone reading this and all your friends and family a happy holiday from both me, Izanrelur, Xesetarip and everyone that helps out at Alien Super Duo, no matter what you celebrate.

One more thing. So last night I watched Skyline. It was mediocre at best, but one thing that worried me is how the human population take aliens. Now I'm not speaking for the whole universe but I assure you no race is going to come down to earth and kill everyone. If they're hear for war, you would be dead before you even knew it. When aliens decide to come to earth, well let me say that better. When a full colony of aliens decides to visit earth, they're naturally going to come to explore and record date for their own library of sciences. Examine what you do, and try to understand the Human race, they may even take subjects back to their home planet and teach everyone a thing or two about the universe. I don't know if it will happen anytime soon, but when it does, I'll be ready!

Ps. I'm still awaiting parts for my space ship so I can go home, I mean go to what ever is left of it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! TRY NOT TO GET TOOOO DRUNK THIS CHRISTMAS...or whatever you celebrate!

On Pussy

Izanrelur wanted to write a blog. He had it already written. But being his lazy ass motherfucking self he didn't want to post it because he wanted poutine instead. So Xesetarip volunteered, and this is what he said about that:

"it would make my writing sound super awesome
pussy would be flying at my face
they'd be like slugs crawling up the wall and ceiling and falling on my head
You could basically say I'd be swimming in a pile of them
maybe wear two as a pair of shoes
it would be like fall, like a pile of leaves, i'd run and jump into them
holy fuck its gunna be awesome
i'll have so much left over pussy my grandkids we'll be fucking them"

Apparently Xesetarip has really, really good writing. Like, vag catnip or something. So this is what he wanted to post:

There are 3 things every woman must know to be the perfect girl:

1. The Kitchen! Learn everything about it!, Where everything is, what everything does, how to measure without utensils, and learn learn learn how to multi-task without burnage!

2. Cleaning! Make sure everything is spotless always! Never a stain rug, never a dirty washroom, never a messy tv room, never EVER dust on ANYTHING!

3. Sex! Master it, not for you, but for him! Lets get this out of the way now, no he doesn't care if you get an orgasm and he never will! BJs, HJs, Sex in general must be mastered ...when you're done with him, he'll fall asleep and you can use your toy.

Not only is this a list you should live by but this is a list that ever man on earth judges you with, so make sure you master the 3 things: Cooking, cleaning and sexing.

.....haha, I'm just playing ladies, you know I love you.

....... a lot.

So, that's... ahem... nice. And this a little anecdote he wrote about his lovely twin sister:

Pooooor Camille

Was always a good cleaner, mediocre fuck, but couldn't cook her way out of a cardboard box and all she got was a 4-incher, 4-ever.

So Xesetarip, in need of wrapping up the blog, asked Izanrelur to sum it up. He said:

Women are stupid and I don't respect them
That's right, I just have sex with them

It's an entertaining song, but he could try being original... upon suggesting this, he said:

They nag!
All
The
Time

Perhaps he should just admit he's gay already... He did say, and I quote, "I'm not good with this whole female thing man"

Sincerely,
Xesetarip (writing on behalf of her gay alien super twin)