I've been sitting naked in my room for the past ten minutes. Well not completely naked, I'm wearing a shirt, but still, I'm entirely pant-less. Underwear-less in fact. Is that unusual? Do others do that too? I dunno... but damn this heat wave has been hell! I really don't care what everyone thinks.
I'm actually here because of what happened to me today, it was quite an adventure and I've decided to share it with all of you, it all started when my iPod died like 5 minutes into a solid hour walk I was on. I was like "da fuck iPod, why you frontin'?" but of course it didn't answer because it's not real.
Anywho, I really needed to get on with the walk but how could I? My Disturbia by Rihanna wasn't playing anymore, so I sat there on the curb confused, sorta like a lost puppy waiting for his owner to come save him.
A huge shadow came up and I thought there was a storm coming but then I looked up and it was just a really fat dude. I felt kind of uneasy with this huge fuckin' dude draping over me, so I decided to make average small talk. "I admire your braided beard!" I said to him, but he didn't seem very amused. In fact, he didn't even seem alive. So I told him about how my iPod died and that made him grin which resulted in me being even more uneasy so I stood up and randomly got all defensive and was like, "DID YOU KILL MY FUCKING IPOD!?"... I realize now that that was a mistake. Trust me folks, if a huge dude is eerily standing behind you, don't scream at him because things will just turn out awful.
He then began to open his mouth very wide and started to inhale very hard and everything in the vicinity started to get sucked into his mouth. Everything including me! This dude was totally the spawn of Kirby and I was trapped inside his stomach! He then laughed... or farted... it was hard to tell but all I know is that I was floating in his stomach on what I think was a whole slice of un-chewed pepperoni and anchovy pizza.
So I sat there for a while... like... maybe 30 seconds but it seemed like an hour, and then I started to feel mad hungry! And I still wanted to listen to music AND I still had my destination to reach.
Hunger was the first thing, so I just closed my eyes and plugged my nose and bit into the pizza. After I had a couple bites I then realized that his piece of pizza was about 10 feet tall, so either I was shrunk really small or something fucking weird was going on. I decided on the latter when I noticed there were little pink butterflies with bloody fangs flying around. Yes. In this dude's motherfucking stomach. It occurred to me that, despite how enticing the 10 foot tall slice of pizza was, I had to get the fuck into his intestines and follow it down into his colon so I could inspect some more. I was sure that down there I would find the true meaning of what was going on.
So I held my breath and jumped into the pool of acid (my skin is [mostly] resistant to it... whatuuup) and swam down to the entrance of the intestines and squished through. I came out and was kinda burnt; I looked down and noticed my clothes were burnt away too.
Suddenly I realized that I was sliding, internally, down the shaft of buddy's penis. It was kinda like reverse sex because I was pant-less of course and there was some touching... err... never mind.
To continue, once I got to the tip of the penis I sat down confused at how his stomach led me to his dick. But then I felt some shaking and knew something was up. I heard the slight moans of a black lady and knew this wasn't going to be pretty. It was almost if an earthquake was happening and a huge rush of what looked like a cream cheese Tsunami came shooting up behind me and I was shoved into Aunt Jemimah's pooter. This is what it's like to be a sperm! I'm reliving my existence! ...is what I happily thought until I realized I just got shot out of a bearded Kirby's dick and now I'm stuck inside a uterus!
I was puking profusely all over the place; it never occurred to me the infections I could be giving this woman's vagina. I decided that I needed to get the FUCK outta here and figure out why I'm so suddenly small.
I saw light and decided to jump for it so I said to myself "1...2...3, not only you and me, got 180 degrees, and I'm caught in between.." Wait. That's Britney Spears! I hear it... my iPod? Could it be? It's not with me I think it fell out in this vagina. So before I jumped out I knew that I needed to retrieve it! I don't want to lose it like Sean did in a tragic heroin/garbage man accident. I put on my flashlight helmet and began to walk deeper into the cave of the
All-Knowing Vagina to find my Pod!
As I was ascending the uterus to make my way to the fallopian tubes, I heard Britney's voice again. Soothing, delectable, multi-talented Britney Spears was singing to me! I then saw a bald head which I initially presumed to be her. "Britney!?, da fuck a you doing here?!" I yelled out, but heard no response. As I got closer I figured it out, Britney it was not, it was a penis, but not attached to a human body...wait it wasn't a penis it was a fetus what the fuck am I saying? Sorry they kinda rhyme and this day really wore me out. So yes, this FETUS (not penis) who looked exactly like Britney Spears was full speed ahead of me trying to get my iPod before me... now it was a race-battle to the death!
I then jumped on my floating skateboard and grabbed my double sided Spear of Agony and raced on towards the sound of Britney, while defending myself against this monstrously-possessed fetus. The fetus had these gargantuan fangs that lashed at me! WHAT KIND OF SHE-DEVIL WAS I INSIDE?! (and trust me, that's not the first time I've said that... am I right fellas!?)
I raced up to the floating purple egg, it was all glowy as if like a rave was going on inside. The music got louder and turned to some crazy trance-techno. My iPod is throwing a rave in this lady's egg, I thought! So I kicked the fetus in the eye and stepped on the gas. I began to think that maybe I wanted to join this dance party too, considering I had been without my iPod all day y'know. I took my Spear of Agony and sliced the ovum open only to find my iPod chillin' there, weeping. SINCE WHEN CAN IPODS CRY!? I swear this thing is alive! The fetus was right behind me and with one fell swoop he knocked me off my feet and kicked me in my head and all went black.
A sketch of my poor iPod, all alone in the womb.
When I woke up I was tied up with what I think was an umbilical cord; it was around around my wrists and ankles and a tight one around my neck. "Fuck my life," I thought, "I need to get out before this mutant eats me!" The issue here was that I could not access my Spear of Agony due to the fact I was restrained by umbilical cord... my only hope for escape was to break through with my teeth!
I then closed my eyes and bit down hard on the cord, splitting it in two causing blood to spray out everywhere. I got some in my eye and I had to take a breather, it stung like a bitch. I then repeated the step for my right arm and used that to free the rest of my body. I was out and ready for war: "bring it on mother FUCKER!" I said as I burst out of that umbilical cord all badass-like. My muscles were pulsing like I had just been given some fuckin' steroids and was turning into Superman or some shit. Scratch that, Batman. Batman is way groovy-er. Anywho, I was ready to kick some ass so I ran to my spear and picked it up and with one giant throw I nailed the fetus in the right eye. He yelled out in pain and it echoed all the way to the end of this woman's vagina - a sound that will be stuck with me for the rest of my life - it was almost as if the sound of a cat-fight at night was mixed with the sound of a dying giraffe and then again mixed with an omelette frying in a pan smothered in cheese. Yeah. Crazy shit.
So now Mr. Devil's Resurrection AKA Fetus von Evilus was dead and all I had to do was squeeze through this tight hole to get to my iPod. I finally reached the egg and grabbed it, there was a sign there that said Exit so I followed it. I dropped down a hole and landed in what seemed like a really shitastic sewer. Then from out of no where a huge rumbling started and I began swirling clockwise (or maybe it was counter-clockwise it was difficult to tell in the chaos) and I was forcefully shoved through a little tube tighter than this bitch's vagina. It felt like one big water slide as I was shot out of this cave into what looks like a children's playground.
I stood up and was covered in shit water and saw this fat bitch squatting so I took my Dagger of Truth (Note: Always carry an assortment of weapons with you) and slit this bitch's throat and got the fuck outta there.
"Where in the fuck did you go?" You might be thinking. Well, this little lad just happened to ride past me on a tandem bicycle, all alone. So I said to the lad, "GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING BIKE!" while shaking my dagger at him and he willingly stopped. He insisted, "why would I give it to you when we can ride together?!" So I jumped on and we rode along singing 'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine!"
Next thing I knew I was wearing pants and was magically home. I didn't even tell this dude where I lived which was kinda fucked up. So I waved him goodbye and he flew off into the clouds like a mystical unicorn.
Then I took my pants off and ripped off my undies (as I do every day when I get home), opened my front door, walked up the stairs and saw my brother (oddly enough he was turned off from my naked lower half and slammed his door). I walked into my room, plunked my booty on the bed and wrote this damn story. Very very factual. And yes, I am still presently pant-less.
Yes this sign is on my door. BEWARE!
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Yes, this happened to both of us. When one twin feels it, so does the other. I understand this may upset some people due to the fucked-up nature of our circumstances, but that's just a day in the life of Xesetarip and Izanrelur! We randomly wrote this giving each other 60 seconds to add to the story. You'll never know who is who! Muah ha ha!!
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